Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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