Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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