don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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