i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
if only i could text you this smell
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
