alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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