I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
