Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize