I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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