it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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