I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
