I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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