im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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