I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
