no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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