Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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