apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
