cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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