turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
