never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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