If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
