mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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