I think I won the penis lottery.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
