On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
