i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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