My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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