Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This girl is more easily done than said...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
and she was petting her beer can
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
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