WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
she told me i tasted like america
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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