at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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