i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
