Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
