New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
