she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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