He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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