Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
