I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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