Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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