I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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