just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
