I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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