I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Let's get the cat blown out
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
