You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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