I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
