i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
