i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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