I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
