It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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