Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize