Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
