I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize