Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
