I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Still dying that you shit outside
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
