the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
