Taylor Swift is so right about you.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
