I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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