Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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