my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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