Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
