I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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