so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
