I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
