Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
