finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
