first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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