Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
