i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
